27/08/2011 is gonna be a special day. The day that I have been waiting for. Water baptism ! I’m really nervous now. Thank God for showing me who is He. And thank God for my parents to turn up later. Tomorrow is sure gonna be a special and exciting day 🙂 Thank you Lord for all the things that you have done 🙂 all Glory to be with the Lord !

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21 Years ago at this time, my mum is having pain and small little me decided that 20 May 1990 is a good day to come out. 21 years later s girl who is turning 21 is blogging here. Starting to learn all kind a hard cold truth about this world. Turning 21 is every one biggest birthday ! How big it is ? Really big. Cause here in Singapore turning 21 means you are legally adult. Means that what ever you do is not under your parents control. That’s the meaning of 21. What’s my wish ? A healthy Mother. That’s all I want.

After a few weeks of break, I manage to find a job once again. This time is something really different. Since I studied food science in ITE so end up I work in a food company. But as a admin. Started my first day of work today. There is so many things to learn and I ask myself this simple question “how long am I going to work over here ?” For sure I don’t want to be a job hopper and I really want to get used to this environment real soon. While I’m working this sentance keep repeating in my mind.”God place me here for a purpose.” For sometime I did not hear him calling out to me. I can’t help but to think is that really his voice ? A few weeks ago I made a decision to give up my ministry. A ministry to taught me how to be a leader and taught me how to grow. A ministry that gave me a chance to learn and grow. Yet now I can no longer find back that joy that I used to have in serve. It seems that I have forgotten my calling. Since I can’t set my heart back in serving why not I just give up ? Sigh … Why isn’t there a person know what I really want ? Something really simple . Really …

I finally made it to my last day in finexis. It’s kind of a bitter sweet feeling. No idea how to say, in fact I will be a little moody for the next few days. Without work what am I suppose to do ? Once again I step into alot of unknown and question mark. Not knowing what to expect at all. There at finexis I had my joy at the same time tears. Don’t know what to expect at all.

After so many things as happen, I realise that I’m not that wonderful after all. I tried and I tried and it came to a point when I finally say, I had enough. If you ask me if I’m sad, I will tell you yes. But in life you still have to move on. When it’s too heavy, let it go and move on. Once again I realise that I have been keeping things to myself, thought I can handle it all. But sad to say I’m not a wonder women. I’m still a human being. You can have lot’s of friends but which are the one who is really willing to fight through the fire with you ? I don’t know. Mum is not doing well at all. Look at her I can’t feel anything but heart pain. Yet I just can’t help but to ignore her. Cause sometimes her words really too much. I don’t know how to help her even though I very much want to. I’m tired, very tired. Maybe taking one step at a time is not that bad after all.

As I enter into Feb I realise there is so much thing I want to vent out. So many questions, yet somehow I can’t find all the answer. I’m tired yet I can’t give up. Time when I feel like giving up totally. Some time I really wish that there is no more tomorrow for me yet day after day I wake up with a brand new life. Even I’m a believer but I still have my doubt. I still have my question. What’s after death ? How heaven look like ? How am I suppose to spend my life when there is no ending ? Is there really rest ? I really don’t know. In this V.day I really don’t know what to expect. When can I find my soul mate ? is my social circle too small ? What is God plan for me ? To remain single for the rest of my life ? I really wonder. Hope that I can find my soul mate really soon.

I have been trying to keep up my attendance in church. In my heart I really wanna try to start my year right. Going back on track. A few problem to face. Last year I almost make a choice to give up my ministry and also God. I would say that it is my lowest point of time in my life. Having to fack so many things at one go really stress me out. Be it my family, friend or my work life. Things is not going smooth at al for me. Sealing myself up more and more. As I grow older I understand more and more thing. The more I understand the more I fear. The more I fear the more I don’t wanna step out. In fact I’m struggling. And I wonder why must be me. And some times I find hard to understand or maybe even to accept. The pass 2 weeks it has been a emotional roller coaster ride for me. For one, my leader actually did some cards for the CG. For the whole CG they recieve handmade cards from her except another member and me. And her reply to me is because you are special. I really don’t understand why I have to be so special. I don’t need expensive gift, I really don’t want. All I want is an effort. A thought that count. I don’t know what make me so special. For that I don’t even want to go for fellowship. All I want is to be alone. Many time in life is either I have been single out to be the special one or to be alone. Of God has been this then I got nothing to say. People may say that it is your problem not mine. Then I will say “can’t you see that I am making an effort ?”In family also happen the same thing. I really don’t want to do this anymore. Howe I wish I can be like every one else. But that’s me. Nothing I can do to change myself. Sometimes I wonder, if I just die will anyone think of me ? Or their reaction is “It’s Ok, I will attend her funeral IF I have the time.” Dear God what’s your plan ?

After talking with one of my friend I realize that everyone around me is attached. I can’t help but to feel lonely. Who will be there to fill this empty space of mine ?

After having a short catch up session with one of my friend she said this sentence that made me think  the meaning of friendship once again. she said ” you know Chris, even though I have known you for 6 years but still I don’t know much about you.” At that point of time I asked myself, “what about her ? Do I know her well ?” 6 years is neither long nor short. But yet our friendship have stuck at that level for quite some time. Maybe because she is busy with her studies and I’m busy with my work. In my life I have many phases and many responsiblity. Be it in work, school, church or home. I have different responsiblity in different phase of my life. Most of the people only know one side of me. I would say none know who am I.  Well, let me share with you a little secret, some times I really wish I can be selfish. Just for once I would love to say it’s all about me and no one else. But the matter of fact is, I can’t. While people is thinking all about themself I can’t help but to think is being selfish a secret to have a happy life ? If yes then I will really try to be selfish. Some times when I’m really tired, I would love to throw everything aside and just lay on my bed and think nothing. NO much people know that I am a true daddy girl. I LOVE my dad. See some people will shock if they see this. At the end of the day, know people is not about how long you know that person but is about how much you want to know that person. Think about this.

WHAT THE HELL AFTER HELPING YOU SO MUCH YOU ACTUALLY GAVE UP ! YOU THOUGH ONLY YOU STRESS ? ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOU YOU YOU !!!!!! OTHER PEOPLE NOT STRESS HUH ? LIKE REAL THE WHOLE WORLD ONLY YOU STRESS. IF YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THIS WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU SIGN UP TOGETHER WITH ME ? THOUGH I GOT SO MANY TIME. AT FIRST I TOLD YOU THAT STUDY WHILE WORKING IS VERY HARD BUT YOU SAY YOU KNOW AND NOW ? GIVE UP JUST LIKE THIS !!!! I AM DAMN PISSED OFF. AND I HATE YOU !!!!!!!! SHIT YOU ! WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THIS !