I have been trying to keep up my attendance in church. In my heart I really wanna try to start my year right. Going back on track. A few problem to face. Last year I almost make a choice to give up my ministry and also God. I would say that it is my lowest point of time in my life. Having to fack so many things at one go really stress me out. Be it my family, friend or my work life. Things is not going smooth at al for me. Sealing myself up more and more. As I grow older I understand more and more thing. The more I understand the more I fear. The more I fear the more I don’t wanna step out. In fact I’m struggling. And I wonder why must be me. And some times I find hard to understand or maybe even to accept. The pass 2 weeks it has been a emotional roller coaster ride for me. For one, my leader actually did some cards for the CG. For the whole CG they recieve handmade cards from her except another member and me. And her reply to me is because you are special. I really don’t understand why I have to be so special. I don’t need expensive gift, I really don’t want. All I want is an effort. A thought that count. I don’t know what make me so special. For that I don’t even want to go for fellowship. All I want is to be alone. Many time in life is either I have been single out to be the special one or to be alone. Of God has been this then I got nothing to say. People may say that it is your problem not mine. Then I will say “can’t you see that I am making an effort ?”In family also happen the same thing. I really don’t want to do this anymore. Howe I wish I can be like every one else. But that’s me. Nothing I can do to change myself. Sometimes I wonder, if I just die will anyone think of me ? Or their reaction is “It’s Ok, I will attend her funeral IF I have the time.” Dear God what’s your plan ?

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